


A Little More Broken

by Fictionalcasualties



Series: A Little Less Empty [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Jack gets a super violent injury, M/M, heavy angst but happy ending, these boys gotta work some things out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-10-17 01:59:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10584066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictionalcasualties/pseuds/Fictionalcasualties
Summary: Despite being angry with Jack, he still watched his game against the Blackhawks with his frogs. Nursey sat to his right, and Dex sat to his left. Sitting in the middle of them wasn’t the best idea, but he was working with it. Bitty never took his eyes off Jack, so when Bitty didn’t react with the rest of his friends to a particularly brutal check, it wasn’t because of his lack of attention. It was because he knew something was wrong. The ping of Jack’s helmet as it flew off his head said enough.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Posting this was such an impulsive decision, since this has been sitting on my computer for a while. I decided to write a second part involving what went on with Bitty and Jack, because why not? Also, @liltechmusician wanted me to write a sequel so here we are 
> 
> I did legit research on coup-contrecoup and C5 injuries because I’m extra and wanted to make this story as accurate as possible, since his recovery is such a huge part of it. 
> 
> If you haven’t read the story before this, no biggie. Just note that:  
> \- Jack is the only player to come out in the NHL  
> \- Bitty is a senior and the captain of SMH  
> \- Jack and Kent are buddies again  
> \- Bitty and Kent are pals too 
> 
> If you want to read Kent’s story but don’t want spoilers, read this first lol. 
> 
> Anyway, this follows right after Jack’s injury in A Little Less Empty. Even though Jack’s check is a bit more intense, the basic idea of what it may have looked like in the real world is modeled after Max Pacioretty’s check by Chara: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jimZ1tSdPY0

The night before it happened, Jack had slammed his computer on Bitty after a heated argument over something trivial. He knows Jack has his moods, and usually Bitty is more forgiving and willing to listen, but for some reason, that time Bitty just didn’t. Jack called him in the middle of the night probably to apologize, but  _ this time _ Bitty didn’t pick up. Of course, this time, Bitty chose to let Jack go into a game without wishing him luck, or telling him he was going to be great. 

Despite being angry with Jack, he still watched his game against the Blackhawks with his frogs. Nursey sat to his right, and Dex sat to his left. Sitting in the middle of them wasn’t the best idea, but he was working with it. Bitty never took his eyes off Jack, so when Bitty didn’t react with the rest of his friends to a particularly brutal check, it wasn’t because of his lack of attention. It was because he  _ knew _ something was wrong. The  _ ping _ of Jack’s helmet as it flew off his head said enough.

The game continued for only a few more seconds before the whistle blew. Jack was motionless, face towards the ceiling of the stadium while the camera turns its attention to mound of blue and white jerseys ganging up on the man who checked Jack.

  
_ “Five minutes?” _ Dex’s infuriated shriek snaps Bitty out of his emotional numbness. “That asshole only gets five minutes? The puck was nowhere near Jack!”   


“I’m  _ one-hundred percent sure _ that’s an illegal hit.” Nursey hisses at the television like it would change the minds of the refs. 

“That was just so violent.” Chowder sniffs. “I hope he’s okay--” 

“Why isn’t he getting up?” Bitty’s voice is small, but it’s enough to catch the attention of his friends. 

“Hey Bitty,” Dex says carefully. “Maybe you shouldn’t watch this right now. I have my keys and we can--” 

The cameras were on Jack again as the paramedics look afraid to move him. Then they replayed it and  _ oh god _ , it’s even worse in slow motion. Jack was defenseless, lined up against the center glass, in between the two benches. His neck snapped back at an awkward angle as his helmet went flying off his head before he hit the ice. The thump of his head against the ice was the last straw before Bitty pinches forward and pukes on Nursey’s shoes. Chowder grabs the remote and quickly turns off the television.

Nursey didn’t look angry, though. Instead, he looked like he was about to be sick himself. He places a comforting hand on Bitty’s back and rubbed small circles. 

Bitty didn’t feel like crying, which was weird. Isn’t that what he’s supposed to do right now? Cry? He was an hour away and Jack was hurt and alone in an ambulance somewhere.

“I need to go.” Bitty pulls away from Nursey and barrels for the door. Dex catches up to him and blocks his path. Before Bitty could scream at him, Dex pulls a pair of keys out of his pocket. “You’re not driving.” He says simply. 

The drive was silent, but mostly because Bitty was dissecting the internet as much as he could. Ever since Jack came out as the first NHL player in history to do so, it’s been hard. Not just your everyday tweets or fan posters with hateful words, but being out on the ice in general. It was hard to ignore the way certain players would pick on Jack a little more than usual. The willingness to throw down gloves as Jack skated by or ugly words (Bitty just  _ knows _ Jack has the pleasure of hearing every game he plays) is more frequent.

So it’s easy to say, this check was on purpose. Bitty knows he shouldn’t be listening to conspiracies and speculation, but it’s just flat out denial if he believes the game of hockey was the only motivation for this check. Then Georgia Martin calls him, and after further investigation she explains Jack was in fact targeted. Apparently the captain of the Blackhawks confessed that he heard his teammate’s plans to give Jack “a hard time”. The player who attacked Jack will have to attend a safety hearing, but Bitty doesn’t care about that. He finds just the smallest amount of comfort in the fact the Blackhawks didn’t condone this, but there’s always the parallel fact of: “Their captain could have done something but he didn’t.”

Jack has been injured before, so Bitty knows what hospital the falconers transport Jack too. Dex parks and walks with Bitty in perfect silence. Dex isn’t always the most affectionate, but he somehow knows exactly what Bitty needs right now. Nursey was onto something with this boy. 

They really have no guidance where to go, considering how large hospitals are it will probably take them a while if they don’t ask somebody. The front desk to the ER seemed like the best bet, so Bitty tries to calm his breathing before approaching the older woman. 

“Hello, ma’am!” Bitty has to use whatever energy he has left to produce a smile. “I was just wonderin’ where I could find Jack Zimmermann?” 

She blinks up at him, expression unamused. “The hockey player?”

Bitty grits his teeth a little, because of course he’s talking about Jack. “Yes. I’m his partner.” When Jack came out, he brought Bitty into the spotlight with him. They talked about that too, and Bitty would do anything for this boy, so he’s not upset about that. In fact, he’s a little bitter that the one time he would like the popularity that came with dating Jack, it wasn’t there to help him.

The woman scoffs, her tone already dismissive. “Jack Zimmermann’s state is confidential. Unless you have a family member present, I’m not allowed to tell you anything nor am I allowed to let you see him. Not that you could, anyway.”

“What does that mean?” Bitty loses his calm and feels hysteria hit him like a train. “Is he okay? Did something happen? Is he  _ dead?” _

“You know those words were cruel.” Dex’s accusatory tone must have made the woman feel somewhat guilty, because she lets out a long sigh before, “I can’t let you in, that’s just the security policy. However, I can tell you he is in the ICU and still unconscious.”

Dex grunts a “Thank you” before guiding Bitty towards a seat in the ER waiting room. 

“We need to go to the ICU, why are we sitting here?” Bitty asks him, and he knows he sounds like a lunatic, but that’s how this feels right now. Bitty is going to go crazy. “Dex, he’s all alone. His mom texted me and said they were getting the first flight out of Montreal, but who knows when their plane will land! He’ll wake up  _ all alone _ in a hospital room and I didn’t even text him before his game, Dex. He doesn’t know how much--” His voice catches and his sentence is cut short. There it was. The tears that Bitty thought wouldn’t come finally poured down his cheeks. 

He doesn’t sob or anything, because in a way, the worst part hasn’t exactly happened yet. The check was brutal and looked extremely painful, but it was quick. Hearing about the repercussions will be the worst part. The diagnoses. The long term effects.

Dex stays with him for a while, but Bitty convinces him to head back home. It was a hard battle to win, because Dex’s concern was not just for Bitty, but also for Jack. However, Bitty really wanted to be alone and Dex understood that, so he reluctantly left the hospital to head back to the Haus.

Texting Kent was a weird impulse, but it felt right. Kent and Jack are close, so he deserved to know what was going on outside of an online article. He received texts from just about everyone, wishing Jack well. He even received a text from both his parents hoping Jack was okay, but it was obvious they didn’t have enough motivation to call their son. 

It was a small disaster coming out to his parents, but they were getting much better about everything. A text message was at least something. 

His phone rings, startling him a little. The waiting room was so empty and quiet, besides the soft click of keys from the nurse and typical hospital noises. 

It was Kent, to no one’s surprise. The last time they spoke on the phone together, Kent was asking how to woo a boy named Peter from his apartment building. 

The first thing Kent says is, “Is he okay?”

Bitty knew Jack isn’t okay at all, but instead he replies with, “I don’t know.” 

“What happened?” Kent sounds out of breath, but the kind of winded that meant he was trying not to cry. Even though the last thing Bitty wanted to do is re-tell the whole thing, he did it anyway. Maybe it was because he’s grown fond of Kent, who calls him up for boy advice and looks out for Jack in a way Bitty isn’t able to.

After explaining Jack’s current state, Bitty is crying again and Kent remains extremely patient with him. The truth is, the heavy weight of guilt was almost crippling. Bitty couldn’t help but think,  _ “If he never came out he would still be okay.”  _ Bitty can’t help but say as much to Kent, “Maybe he shouldn’t have come out in the first place. He’s a big guy, but there’s only so much one human being can handle and-- This is all my fault.”

A small moment before, “Hey, wait a minute, that’s a stupid thing to say.” Kent is scolding him, and Bitty would have laughed at that in any other situation. “What was he going to do? Live his whole life in the closet and hide you? That’s not what he wants, Bittle.” Kent’s tone tells Bitty he really wanted Bitty to believe this. It was almost desperate. “You know that. Stop trying to find reasons to blame yourself.”

And of course Kent is right, he shouldn’t blame himself for what another person did. But it’s hard not to imagine what he would be doing tonight if he and Jack were still a secret. Maybe he would be skyping him to apologize, or they would be laughing over the fact Jack still doesn’t know how to use his Instagram. He most certainly wouldn’t be  _ here _ .

“I just want to see him.” Bitty’s voice is small, and the request is such a small thing to ask for. He’s not asking for some sort of miracle where Jack will walk out of here the same person he was yesterday, that he just had to heal and everything would go back to normal. That’s something he doesn’t ask for, because even Bitty knows how stupid it is to hope for something like that. It’d be a miracle if Jack wasn’t paralyzed, and that thought just makes Bitty sick again because what if tonight was the night Jack lost everything he worked so hard for? 

“Can you call Bob and have him call the hospital?” Kent offers, pulling Bitty from his thoughts. 

“I don’t want to bother him. He’s probably worried out of his mind enough.” Bitty sighs, the fear of Jack waking up alone becomes more real and he tries not to panic. “Alicia said they would be boarding in a few hours.”

“So they are just sitting in an airport right now.” Kent is thinking out loud, so Bitty doesn’t respond to his statement. “Bitty, you won’t be bothering them. You know the Zimmermanns are going to flip out when they find out you weren’t allowed to see him. It will save a ton of yelling and probably a tabloid headline.”

“You have a point. Okay, I’ll call him.” Bitty really doesn’t have anything to lose. 

“Let me know what happens, okay?” Kent’s voice suddenly turns timid, something that isn’t very characteristic of him. “Don’t leave me hanging.” 

Bitty waits a few more minutes after he says his goodbyes to Kent before staring down at Bob’s number. He’s not sure if this will make the Zimmermanns feels worse, because Bitty still has that small feeling of guilt, and he thinks that maybe the Zimmermanns blame him too. But he listens to Kent’s rational advice and calls despite his reservations. 

Bob answers on the first ring, “What’s the update?” 

“I’m sorry to bother you, but um,” Bitty’s voice is small so he tries to sound more like a human. “They won’t let me see Jack, because I’m not family. I just don’t want him to wake up alone.” 

There’s a heavy silence before a shaky breath is released. “You’re joking.” It’s not phrased as a question, just someone sounding borderline livid. 

“I thought maybe, um, you could call them or something. I don’t mean to sound rude in askin’ you--”

“Eric, don’t even say that.” He sounds angry, but Bitty knows it’s not directed at him. “I’ll call right now. Our flight has been delayed, so I’ve got some time to throw a fit.”

“Thank you.” Bitty says softly, and he feels kind of embarrassed. He’s never been scared of Bob or Alicia, but for some reason this situation makes him nervous around them. 

“Don’t thank me, Eric. Hang in there.” Bob says it with such kindness, Bitty’s eyes well up with tears. Bitty felt stupid for thinking they would blame him for something like this. 

Ten minutes later, a doctor is rushing down the hall and skitters to a stop once he sees Bitty. It would be comical if Bitty didn’t know what that meant. 

“Eric Bittle?” The doctor has a kind face with short dark hair. He was an older man whose sleep-deprived eyes contradicted his energetic attitude.

“That would be me.” Bitty doesn’t sound friendly, mostly because he just doesn’t have the energy anymore. 

“I am so sorry about all of us.” The doctor did look genuinely sorry, so Bitty doesn’t hold it against him. He knows none of this is the doctor’s fault. “I’m Dr. Casey. I will be looking over Jack until he’s safe to go home and recover. Will you please follow me?” 

Bitty follows the tall man down the hall and through two doors that need an ID to open. He feels like flipping off the nurse who refused to let him see Jack, but he doesn’t. 

Hospitals always freaked out Bitty, because this is where lives are ruined for ever or fixed forever. 

They pause in front of a door, and Bitty’s eyes flicker to the “J. Zimmermann” written below the room number.

Bitty finally shakes the doctor’s hand, who plows on right ahead. “Jack has gone through quite a lot, and I would like to let you know, before I begin to rattle off diagnoses, that we won’t know anything for sure until he wakes up. So I don’t want you to be discouraged. Okay?”

Bitty swallows as his heart races at an alarming rate. “Okay.”

Dr. Casey clears his throat before continuing. “The smaller things that will heal one-hundred percent are his lip and chin. We have already patched those up with stitches. The bigger picture? His C5 spinal injury and coup-contrecoup  cerebral contusion.”

Bitty holds his breath and tries not to jump to the worst conclusion, but  _ dammit _ is that hard to do. 

“C5 injuries can mean paralysis of the trunk- abdomen area- and legs. Everything below the collarbone, not counting the arms and hands. Or something on a smaller scale, like difficulty of breathing--” Dr. Casey pauses when he notices how pale Bitty has gone. “However, from what we’ve been able to test so far,” He quickly continues, “Jack’s reflexes are working fine, so paralysis in the legs don’t seem to be an issue yet.”

“Yet.” Bitty repeats. “What do you mean,  _ yet?” _

“Well, there’s still a chance. But it’s slim, so we are just going to focus on the issues that are presented to us when he wakes up and we have a better idea of his recovery path.” 

“What about the other thing?” Bitty presses, frustrated he can’t even remember the second thing the doctor mentioned. It sounded so serious and aggressive.

“The coup-contrecoup.” Dr. Casey clarifies. “When Jack lost his helmet and fell backward, his brain hit the front and back of his head. The good news about that is there was no bleeding in the brain, but it’s still severely bruised. That’s the injury we won’t know the extent of until he wakes up. He almost slipped into a coma earlier, but that is normal considering the trauma his body sustained.”

Bitty didn’t really know what to say, but he can’t help but notice the doctor isn’t elaborating on Jack’s head injury. “So… What is the worst case scenario?” 

Dr. Casey frowns, which is not something Bitty wanted to see. “Well, a number of things really. His concentration could be damaged, swallowing could be difficult, balance and coordination could be affected, muscle weakness or impaired memory. One, none, or all of these things could be exhibited. It’s a waiting game for now.”

“What are the chances he’ll be relatively fine?” Bitty had to ask. 

A pause before the frown turns a little more sad. “So small that it’d be considered a miracle.”

There’s nothing Bitty can ask that will make the situation better except, “May I see him?” 

The doctor gives him a small smile, but it’s not pitiful. “Of course. You can sit in there for as long as you like, no one will kick you out. If anyone tries, just ask for me and I’ll clear it up.”

“Okay.” It comes out a bit hoarse, but Bitty contains himself. He doesn’t want to start crying in front of the doctor. 

“If he does wake up, please get a nurse immediately so I can check on him. The lights are dimmed, because when he opens his eyes it might be painful.” 

He appreciates that the doctor says  _ when _ and not  _ if _ .

“I know you’ll want to speak with him, but it’s extremely important that he receives medical attention right away.” Dr. Casey adds. 

“Of course.” Bitty glances at the door, his hands itching to open it and see Jack. “Thank you.” It’s genuine, not something Bitty says on instinct. 

Dr. Casey squeezes Bitty’s shoulder in an attempt to be comforting before opening the door, and leaving Bitty alone with Jack.

Bitty isn’t sure what he even expected to see, but nonetheless it’s still knee-buckling to see Jack unconscious in a hospital room, wearing a brace around his neck and needing a machine to help him breathe. His bottom lip is completely busted and the aggressive black bruise on his chin spreads all the way up his jawline.

“Oh  _ honey _ .” Bitty wasn’t about to sob in front of the doctor, but now he was alone except the absent company of Jack, so he doesn’t keep it in this time. He pulls the chair that was up against the far wall to settle beside Jack’s bed. Jack’s hand is cold when Bitty clutches it like a lifeline, and Jack doesn’t even stir. 

***

When Jack wakes up, it’s three in the morning. Bitty dozed off with his hand still holding onto Jack, so the fast jerky movement is what snapped Bitty awake. 

“Jack?” Bity shoots out of his chair and looks down at the most beautiful blue eyes he’s ever seen. They flickered around the room while the clear look of panic took over Jack’s features. 

“Was I in a car accident?” Are the first words out of Jack’s mouth. “Is Bittle okay? He was with me.”

Jack isn’t the only one terrified. Bitty keeps his composure though, because two people panicking wouldn’t help. “What? Honey, I’m right here.” 

“No, no.” Jack insists, but he doesn’t try and move. His eyes are the only thing that won’t  _ stop  _ moving. “His name is Eric Bittle. He was with me. In the car.” 

Bitty remembers what Dr. Casey told him to do if Jack woke up, and as much as Bitty wanted to assure Jack that Eric Bittle is alive and well, he refused to be that selfish. 

“I’m going to go get the doctor, okay?” Bitty squeezes his hand tightly, but Jack’s eyes still don’t focus on him. “I’ll be right back.”

“Aren’t you the doctor? Who are you?” Jack sounded so scared and what was left of Bitty’s broken heart just shattered into smaller pieces. 

“I’ll be right back.” He repeats, letting go of Jack’s hand to call for help. It doesn’t take long for a hoard of nurses to rush into the room, and for Bitty to be kicked out. He understands that they need room, so he finds a chair near Jack’s room and takes a seat. He’s staring off into space for a while, not really thinking about anything. Right now, he wishes there was someone else with him. Maybe a distraction so he didn’t have to process anything. He tries calling his mother, but she doesn’t answer. He knows it’s not out of spite though, it’s just three in the morning and she’s probably asleep. 

Dr. Casey appears in front of him, a clipboard and pen in his hands. Bitty tries to read his expression, but he can’t. Instead, he mentally prepares himself for the worst. His attention focuses on the clock behind Dr. Casey’s head, and he’s shocked to realize he’s been waiting for almost two hours.

Bitty can’t help but jump right into it. “When he woke up,” he begins, “He knew who I was, but he didn’t know what I looked like. What does that mean? Please don’t sugar coat anythin’.”

“Yes, he was asking for you.” Dr. Casey hesitates before taking a seat next to Bitty. He wonders what that could mean. “There’s a chance that isn’t permanent. He is probably just disoriented from the trauma and it was hard for the visual picture of you and the knowledge of who you are to match up. Or, like I said before, his memory might be damaged to the extent of prosopagnosia. That’s when one can’t recognize familiar faces, but they still know  _ who _ the person is. This also applies to himself. He might not be able to picture what he himself looks like.”

_ Hold it together. _ “Do you, uh, have any more information on his current state…” Bitty is almost afraid to ask, because at least before there was hope Jack might be okay. 

“It was hard for him to speak English, but that is a normal response considering English isn’t his first language. If English was his first language, I’d be a bit more concerned. Vision and hearing are fine. However, I’m more worried about his breathing. He was able to swallow without any trouble, and I’m still not positive about his balance and coordination. I’m also not sure about his hostility, since his frontal lobe was bruised that might trigger anger problems later on. That’s another waiting game. I went through some small tests, and he can still feel his legs and his concentration seems to be normal.”

“So… Breathing, anger issues, and Balance and coordination are still up in the air?” 

“Yes.” Dr. Casey answers honestly. “That is something we won’t be able to tell until later, because I don’t want him moving right now.”

The news seemed terrible to Bitty, and it was taking everything he had to just keep it together and not collapse right then and there. Bitty is finally able to get a read on the doctor, and he’s a bit shocked to see a look of amazement on his face.

“Mr. Bittle, I know this sounds awful right now, but… This is actually phenomenal. Jack is a part of the very few percent of people who will  _ walk _ again after a C5 injury. He might only know broken English at the moment, but he shows promise of speaking like he used to, after a C5  _ and _ a coup-contrecoup. Both of those injuries affect several different areas of the brain, yet Jack might only suffer one or two long term effects. He will be likely to play hockey again. This is truly remarkable. In all my years of being a doctor I had yet to witness a miracle until tonight.”

Tears well up in Bitty’s eyes and he doesn’t care if the doctor sees him cry anymore. A lot of what the doctor said  _ is _ awful, but Jack can still walk and he can still speak. He knows who Bitty is, just not what we looks like. And that’s okay, because  _ god _ it could be so much  _ worse _ .

“Would it be okay if I stay with him?” Bitty asks, quickly wiping away his tears. “His parents will be here soon, but I don’t want him to be alone.” 

Dr. Casey gives him a reassuring smile before standing up. “Of course. Jack isn’t acting terrified anymore after he learned it was a hockey injury and not a car accident that involved your wellbeing. Having you in the room will probably be good for him. He will act strange, and he will probably switch gears pretty fast. It’s okay to let him sleep if he begins to doze off. It’s okay to remind him who you are, it won’t scare him. If it does, let it go. Okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

When Bitty and Dr. Casey enter the room, Jack switches his attention from the far wall to the both of them. His face lights up when he sees Bitty, and he says “Wow. You’re gorgeous.” 

Bitty can’t help but crack a small smile. “You’re not so bad yourself, honey.” 

“Call me if something happens.” Dr. Casey says before leaving the room. 

Bitty waits for Jack to take this at his own pace, but Jack looks like  _ he _ is waiting for Bitty to speak. “Do you know who I am?” He asks carefully, walking over to stand beside Jack. 

Jack’s look of wonder begins to morph into an expression of worry, “Of course I do, Bittle. You think I’d call another man gorgeous?” 

“I guess not. Silly me.” Bitty pulls up his chair and takes a seat beside Jack. “How are you feeling?” 

Jack looks a little too happy and content, like something isn’t quite clicking in his mind. That knowledge alone makes Bitty feel sick, but he keeps a smile plastered on his face for Jack’s sake. 

“Pretty good for someone with a hockey injury.” Jack’s pupils are small and his eyes are still jerking around in frantic movements. “I’m not sure what’s going on, but that’s okay. You’re okay.”

“I love you so much, Jack.” Bitty can’t help keep the emotion out of his voice as he clutches his hand. “Do you know that, you silly boy?” 

Bitty didn’t know what Dr. Casey meant by Jack ‘switching gears’ until his eyes finally focus on Bitty and he looks instantly offended. He tugs his hand out of Bitty’s and fixes him with an unhappy look. “What did you say? I have a boyfriend. Why would you say that to me? Where’s Bittle?” 

He still gives Jack a smile, because surprisingly, Bitty doesn’t feel upset. Patience is key, and he would do anything to make Jack comfortable and happy right now. “That would be me, honey. I didn’t mean to confuse you, I should have introduced myself.”

“Bitty?” Jack only looks confused now, not angry. Bitty nearly lets out a sigh of relief. “But I would never forget what you look like…” And he sees on Jack’s face that he’s trying to create a mental image of Bitty, then he sees the exact moment when Jack just can’t do it. He starts to look frantic again, so Bitty places a reassuring hand on his arm to catch his attention.

“Baby, hey, listen to me.” He says, causing Jack to give him his undivided attention. “It’s okay. Remember how the doctor said you were injured during a game?” Jack nods, waiting for him to continue. “It’s just the injury. Don’t worry that pretty head of yours.”

Jack’s lips turn up into a loving smile as his eyes trace over Bitty’s face in content. “Well, in that case, I love you too.” Then his eyes slowly droop closed, and he falls asleep.

  
Bitty waits until he’s sure Jack is asleep before crying softly into the sleeve of his sweatshirt.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read all of your comments and I really appreciate them. I’m a super awkward person which is why I don’t always respond but I want to let y'all know they make me happy.
> 
> The beginning of this is Jack and Bitty’s fight right before he gets injured, just in case you get confused about what’s going down lol. When Jack wakes up it just continues where the last chapter left off
> 
> Heads up that this chapter is in Jack’s POV

_ “It’s fine, Jack. You don’t have to come.” Even on Skype, Jack knows Bittle is tense right now. The way he avoids Jack’s eyes as he said that tells him as much. _

 

_ The way Bitty says it strikes a chord. Not a very pleasant one. He hates disappointing Bitty, but he can’t help it. He also hates when it sounds like Bitty is blaming Jack for his hectic hockey schedule.  _

 

_ Jack tells him this too, “I hate it when you do that.” It comes out snappy and harsher than he intended it to. It’s been a bad night all around. He’s in a hotel room, sulking after a brutal defeat by the Pens. Snowy was injured in the second period, so their backup had to step in. Jack was too busy trying to calm himself and not throw down his gloves every time the same player called him a copious amount of homophobic slurs. He didn’t play at his best, which caused his self-deprecating mood.  _

 

_ Bitty’s eyes snap up to finally make eye contact. “Do what?” _

 

_ “Say something condescending then expect me to make you feel better.” Jack watches as Bitty’s eyes narrow. _

 

_ “I’m not being condescending.” Jack then notices Bitty reach for his stuffed rabbit, which makes him even more annoyed, because now Jack feels like the bad guy who kicked a puppy.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry my schedule doesn’t always line up with yours. I can’t control it. I don’t understand why you would even want me to come with you to your father’s birthday. He’s been nothing but hostile towards me and that’s probably never going to change. So even if I could go, I don’t think I would want to.” Jack doesn’t mean that, and it’s unfair to expect Bitty to know how he truly feels all the time. He regrets it as soon as he sees the look of hurt flash across Bitty’s face. _

 

_ His voice wobbles slightly as he says, “Oh no, Mr. Zimmermann. You will not use me as a verbal punching bag. We’ve had this conversation a million times, and you still do the same thing to me.” _

 

_ “I can’t help it!” Jack is just so angry and tired of this same conversation. He's tired in general. “I tell you this every time and you never get it. You probably never will.”  _

 

_ “So that makes it okay for you to yell at me? You don't even try to control yourself anymore. You expect me to be around and forgive you when it's time for an apology, so you think it's okay to--" _

 

_ He slams his computer shut in a burst of frustration. He’s more frustrated at himself, and he’s frustrated that Bitty is right. Jack can’t help how he lashes out and Bitty doesn’t understand that he can’t help it sometimes. It’s an endless cycle that is the root to every fight they have. Jack really shouldn't call Bitty at times when he’s like this, but the comfort and constant validation he receives from Bitty makes him selfish. _

 

_ It takes a lot for Jack to fall asleep, because his mind is still working at a thousand miles a minute. He feels like there might be a panic attack in his future, so he desperately tries to fall asleep in the slim chance he could avoid it.  _

 

_ After he eventually falls asleep, it only takes a few hours for him to snap awake and feel the sick feeling of guilt bubble up in his stomach. As he’s texting Bitty to apologize, he suddenly stops and realizes with slight horror this is almost like a routine now. They fight, Jack says something that crosses the line, they hang up, he calls to apologize in the middle of the night and Bitty apologizes too in a cute sleepy voice, then everything goes back to normal. However, they don't fight twenty-four seven. This isn’t a routine in the sense it happens often. It’s a routine that kicks in whenever Jack's in a terrible mood. _

 

_ Except this time, Bitty doesn’t pick up the phone.  _

 

_ *** _

Jack doesn't remember falling asleep, but he does remember the dim lights of a hospital room. A hockey injury. That’s what happened to him. Something felt wrong, but he didn’t exactly know what. 

 

“Hello, honey.” It was such a sweet voice and it warmed him down all the way to his core. It’s like his body knew who it was, but Jack’s mind wasn’t associating it with a person. Just a feeling. Just a memory of someone he loves but can’t place.

 

A kind face looks down at him and he feels a thumb brush over his knuckles. “Good morning, handsome.” 

 

His eyes flicker over to the name tag on the man’s shirt. It said  _ Eric Bittle. _

 

It had to be. No one else sounded like that. No one else could make his heart race with terms of endearment and unconditional love. Eric Bittle was a feeling and an idea, not quite a face. Not yet. 

 

“Bittle.” Jack feels himself smiling, because how could he not? He’s staring down at Jack with such love and affection it’s almost impossible not to smile. 

 

_ Something isn’t right. _

 

The faintest smile appears on Bittle’s face, and something sparks  _ something, _ but not quite reaching the destination of full-blown memory. “Oh, Jack.” And it comes out so small, Jack almost doesn’t hear it. 

 

That spark of memory from before triggers something else though, because now Jack feels like crying. “Why can’t I remember what you look like? Why am I having trouble remembering you?” 

 

“Let’s not talk about that right now, Mr. Zimmermann.” Eric’s smile is still loving, so Jack listens to him. He’d do anything for him, he knows that much. “You need to focus on getting better. Don’t you worry about me--”

 

“I’m sorry.” Jack doesn’t really know why he says it, but he does. He feels like he should. 

 

Bitty’s eyebrows crease, looking confused. “Why are you sorry?” 

 

“I don’t know.” Jack mirrors his look of confusion. “I just felt like I should say it.” A long pause before Jack adds, “Are you… Do you accept my apology?” 

 

Bitty laughs a little, and Jack absolutely loves the sound. “Yes sweetheart, I accept your apology. I’m sorry too.” 

 

“Why are  _ you _ sorry?” 

 

“Because I just am.” Bitty responds as traces his fingertips over Jack’s cheekbones. He leans into the touch, and desperately tries to remember the way Bitty looks right now. Something isn’t quite connecting, though. He feels the image and the feeling of Eric Bittle slipping through his fingers and the familiar drop at the pit of his stomach causes him to shake. 

 

_ This can't be Bitty. I know Bitty. _

 

“Oh, baby. Please don’t.” Bitty’s voice is laced with worry as he reaches down to clutch Jack’s hand again. He knows what’s happening. A million questions of  _ who, what, where, why _ cause his vision to blur and his mouth to dry up. His body would know an anxiety attack anywhere. That’s one feeling he can’t forget. 

 

_ “Jack.” _ Whoever is holding his hand is lost to him. His vision narrows and suddenly he can’t breathe. 

 

He doesn’t even notice that the man holding his hand isn’t there anymore, and he’s suddenly surrounded by nurses who fiddle around with the million of things connected to Jack. Whatever is happening subsides, and he feels himself dozing off. He doesn’t know for how long, and his body feels so tired and exhausted. 

 

The sound of the door creaking open catches his attention as two people unknown to him walk into the room.

 

“Hello?” Jack knows who they are somehow, well, he  _ thinks _ he knows who they are. Mostly by processes of elimination.

 

“Hello, honey.” The man who says it causes warmth to flow through him so at least that’s familiar. It's Bitty’s voice, but that isn't Bittle. He feels a little sluggish, so it takes a surprising amount of effort to listen to what the man says next. “Kent flew all the way down here to see you.” 

 

Kent. He studies the other person and nothing clicks. The recurring question of,  _ “Is that him” _ circles his mind, but he doesn’t ask. Instead, he can’t help but watch the man with golden hair sit down next to him while the other stands at the edge of his bed. 

 

“You’re a mess, Zimms.” 

 

And  _ yes _ , that is definitely familiar. That’s Kent Parson, because only Parse calls him Zimms. “Kenny, who…” He has to ask, he has to  _ know _ . “--who is that guy sitting next to me?” He’s aware his whispering failed. He's attempted to add,  _ “Is that Bittle?” _ but he doesn't. His body feels so drained he can barely form a coherent thought. Whatever the nurses gave him to calm down his anxiety attack really affected his higher cognitive functioning.

 

Kent gives him a startled look as his eyes flicker over to the man sitting next to him. “That’s your boyfriend, Zimms.”

 

So it was Bitty. He was more mature looking than Jack had the idea of. “Really?” Jack doesn’t quite believe him yet, but when the man next to him answers and not Kent, it’s a little more convincing. 

 

“Really.” The man says, clutching his hand. The feeling is familiar. Has this man been grabbing his hands a lot? His voice is definitely familiar. “Why is that such a shock?” 

 

It’s a shock because someone who looks like-- apparently-- Eric Bittle can’t possibly want to waste his time with someone like Jack… Which is a weird thing to think, because now that Jack is trying to piece the puzzle together, he doesn’t exactly remember what  _ he _ looks like. “Because, you’re like, hot and stuff.” His words slur, but Jack can’t help it. He tried to communicate, at least. 

 

They both laugh, and Jack is suddenly proud of himself for making them laugh. He likes when he makes people laugh, it makes him feel good about himself. 

 

“I was in here not too long ago with you, honey.” The endearment strikes a warm, fuzzy chord again and Jack suddenly remembers the way Bitty would call him ‘honey’ or ‘sweetheart’ and how Jack’s heart would melt because no one (besides his mother) has ever called him those things.

 

“And ‘stuff’? What kind of stuff?” Kent chirps him, but Jack just thought about what other ‘stuff’ he associates with Eric Bittle. Kent didn’t need to know how he felt about the word ‘honey’ and ‘sweetheart’. 

 

“Don’t tease him.” Bitty scolds Kent, and Jack feels like laughing. 

 

_ How could I ever forget Eric Bittle? _ “Hey, Bits, I’m kind of tired.” Jack mumbles, already feeling his eyes grow heavy. He can’t help but say, “I love you sososomuch.” 

 

The soft sound of, “I love you too,” nearly breaks Jack’s heart, but he can’t figure out why Bitty would sound so sad.

 

***

Bitty introduces himself again, and Jack feels terrible for forgetting someone so important. Well, sort of forget someone who is important to him. He knows who Eric Bittle is, just not his face. Just like he knows who Shitty is, or Lardo or Kent, but he can’t paint a picture of what they look like in his mind. Bitty held up their pictures earlier and Jack didn’t recognize any of them.

 

When Bitty leaves Jack, he assures him he’ll be back in a few minutes. When a blonde man returns, Jack’s mind tries to figure whom the two people following behind the blonde are. 

 

“Hello, honey.” 

 

It’s something Bitty told him to remember him by. Jack’s visual processing is fucked up, but the other part of his memory is fine. Because besides the name tag on Bitty’s shirt, there is no other way for Jack to know who it is without Bitty’s greeting of, “Hello, honey.” 

 

“Hello,  _ mon cher _ .” Which comes from the woman, and it’s like he’s hit by a freight train because, _ that’s his mother _ . The blonde hair, the blue eyes, her voice… When he glances at the man, he knows who it is by process of elimination. “Maman. Papa.” Jack smiles at his parents, because he hasn’t realized how much he’s missed them until this very moment. He misses his mother’s smiles and his father’s chirping. 

 

He doesn’t know why all three of them stop short, though. 

 

“You…” His father stares at him in awe, his words leaving him.

 

“You recognize us?” His mother finishes, her voice sounding guarded and careful. 

 

“I recognize your eyes.” Jack clarifies, a bit ashamed. He can't even remember what his own parents look like.

 

But Jack’s answer seems to be good enough for them, because his Dad gives him a bright smile and his Mom’s face shows such relief it almost hurts Jack a little.

 

Bitty looks relieved as well, and he quickly swipes his hand across his face to get rid of the tears. 

 

“I’ll leave y’all alone.” Then he leaves, and Jack is alone with his parents. 

 

They rush to his side, their faces glowing with happiness. His mother carts her fingers through his hair, and his father squeezes his forearm. 

 

“You look pretty banged up.” His father gives him an amused look, and Jack laughs when his mother hits him in the arm. 

 

“I think he looks handsome.” His mother smiles. “My beautiful boy.” 

 

The unconditional love from his parents is familiar and fills him with the warm security of it. He could never forget his parents. Well, he'd never forget the way his mother says, _ “My beautiful boy”  _ at least.

 

***

 

“The food here is atrocious.” Bitty scrunches up his nose as he pokes a plastic spoon into a jello cup. 

 

“Is that mine?” Jack gives him an amused smile. 

 

“I’m doing you a favor.” Bitty places his jello cup down before flipping through a binder. “This make-up work is a pain.” He sighs, clicking his pen. “I feel so guilty leaving the team without a constant supply of pies all the time. I’m such an irresponsible captain.”

 

Jack stares at him, because he just can’t help it. Eric has been here for almost a week now, and every time Bitty leaves the room, Jack forgets what he looks like. He’s stuck in a weird limbo of knowing he knows what’s wrong, but not having the ability to fix it.

 

“Shouldn’t you be in school?” Jack asks, trying to read what subject is written on Bitty’s binder. 

 

“And leave this wonderful place?” Bitty looks up at him with a gentle smile. “No way, Jack Zimmermann. You’re stuck with me.”

 

Jack looks away from him, because he feels so  _ guilty _ .

 

“Will it always be like this?” Jack doesn’t mean to ask it, but it slips out anyway. The clicking of the pen stops and it hardly takes a second before Bitty answers. 

 

“It doesn’t matter.” He says. “I’ll be here whether or you remember my hair color or not.” 

 

Jack doesn't respond. He simply stares at the far wall and tries to control his breathing. Jack is so frustrated, because imagining Bitty’s smile and the freckles that appear all over his shoulders in the summer would light up his day. The only way for him to experience the it makes him feel is to physically see it. How could anyone forget Eric Bittle? 

 

Mostly likely to pull Jack out of his thoughts, Bitty breaks the silence with, “Hello, honey.” 

 

The words carry so much weight it almost knocks the wind out of him. 

 

***

 

“Jack.” The man is front of him is Dr. Casey. The name tag helps him a lot whenever a new doctor enters the room, even though it’s technically the same doctor. He makes a mental note of Dr. Casey’s green eyes and thin eyebrows, filing it away to make something like a checklist to identify his doctor. “Do you know what happened?” 

 

It’s something Jack hasn’t even thought about yet. He was convinced he was in some sort of car accident. He could have sworn he was. Then he was told it was a hockey injury, which made a little more sense. He still has no idea what happened, nor does he remember anything. 

 

“Not really, no.” Jack says. “Am I supposed to?”

 

“No, it makes perfect sense you would forget.” Dr. Casey hesitates before adding, “I could tell you what happened and what that might mean for later on in your life. Or I could wait until you’re ready.”

 

The truth is, Jack desperately wants to know. He genuinely has no recollection of the event, and he wonders what extreme check could have such violent repercussions.

 

“You were checked by Michael King, a defenseman on the Blackhawks. Do you remember the check Max Pacioretty suffered from Chara? Same thing, but your helmet came off before you hit the ice and you landed on your back.”

 

Jack feels a little sick, because after that whole disaster he thought there were more precautions involving checking at the turn buckle. He remembers how Air Canada threatened to pull their sponsorship if the NHL didn’t take any action to prevent this type of violence on the ice, and how there ended up being a criminal investigation.

 

Dr. Casey answers his next question when he says. “There is now a criminal investigation, since his attack is considered assault.”

 

Jack doesn’t need to ask why he was checked. He’s been dealing with it all season. 

 

“Future repercussions could be PTSD, which would trigger a feeling rather than a memory.” 

 

Jack’s mind goes to Bittle and how he was afraid to be checked his freshman and sophomore year at Samwell. He tries not to think what that could mean for himself.

 

“Most likely, you won’t ever remember that night unless something triggers it. It’s far too traumatic for the brain and the human is a creature of self-preservation.”  

 

“I know I’m lucky.” It sounds out of the blue, but Jack doesn’t feel like talking about the past anymore. “But I sure don't feel lucky. I can't even recognize the man I love without creating a mental checklist of features or hearing hello--”

 

“What did you just say?” Dr. Casey cuts him off, eyes impossibly wide. “How do you remember people?”

 

“I just… Well, you have green eyes and thin eyebrows, so when you come see me I look for green eyes and thin eyebrows.”

 

“That's amazing!” Dr. Casey looks so proud of him, but it doesn't make Jack feel any less bad about himself.

 

“I guess, but if you came in here with some other doctor that has green eyes and thin eyebrows, I wouldn't be able to tell which one is you.”

 

Dr. Casey quickly scribbles something down on his clipboard with a small smile on his face. “Jack, I don't think you realize that many people with prosopagnosia live normal lives. Memorizing specific features to identify people is something people with prosopagnosia take almost years to get a hang of.”

 

“Really?” Jack would feel embarrassed for how hopeful his voice sounded if it wasn't for what that hope was for.

 

“Really.”

 

***

 

“Hello, honey.” 

 

That perks up his attitude a little, because he knows it’s Bitty. He doesn’t recognize the boy with blonde hair and a backpack over his shoulders, but he’d know “Hello, honey” anywhere, and the fact Bitty has golden blonde hair.

 

“Hey, Bittle.” Jack watches him sit in his usual seat, pulling out his flashcards. “You plan on soothing me with some French?” 

 

“See what you’ve done?” Bitty drops the flashcards back into his bag. “Now I’ve lost my motivation.”

 

“That seems like an excuse.” Jack accuses him but with an adoring smile.

 

“You are an excellent excuse.” Bitty assures him, pulling out his phone. He frowns at something, and Jack has a sudden instinct to wipe it away. “Pray for Kent Parson, because he is digging himself into an even bigger hole.” 

 

Jack raises an eyebrow, racks his mind for an image of Kent, but comes up short. He’s not surprised enough to get upset about it. 

 

Bitty types out a quick reply before turning off his phone and giving Jack his full attention. “He liked this boy in his apartment building, but now all of a sudden he doesn’t. I think it’s self preservation, Kent thinks it’s saving the other boy from heartache. Were we this piny?” 

 

Another weird feeling, because he remembers his actions but no faces to match. “No. It was just you pining. I didn’t know I wanted to be with you until my Dad said something. And I don't think it counts if I didn't know I was pining.” 

 

Bitty fixes him with a bored look. “You  _ charmer.” _ He says, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

 

Jack gives him a small laugh, “Well, I must be doing something right if you’re still here.” Jack’s voice breaks a little, revealing he wasn’t  _ just _ chirping. He wants Bitty to stay so bad that the fear of him leaving is unbearable. 

 

Bitty pulls his chair closer to Jack’s bed and takes his hand, holding it up to his cheek. “I ain’t going anywhere.”

 

“I want you to know I  _ know _ who you are.” Jack feels like he needs to insist. He needs Bitty to know, even though Bitty assures him he does. “I still feel the same. I still think about you when you’re not here. I still love you like I always have.”

 

“Jack,” Bitty’s voice is soft and his eyes are honest. “I know. I’m not lying to you. I’m not going  _ anywhere _ , so stop worrying that pretty little head of yours.”

 

Jack lets out a shaky breath before asking, “Will you… Do you want to, um,” He moves over in his small hospital bed, making room for Bitty as an indication of what he was asking. 

 

“Cuddle?” Bitty laughs, crawling into the space Jack made for him. “I thought you’d never ask.”  

  
  


***

 

Bitty had brought his stuffed rabbit last night as he snuck into the small hospital bed next to Jack for the second time in a row. Jack found it comforting to have Bitty cling to him and also terrifying. When he would wake up, Bitty was just an unfamiliar person sleeping soundly against this chest. Jack knew it was Bitty, because no one else would logically make sense in that situation. Still, he would shake him awake just to make  _ sure _ , and Bitty would yawn a, “Hello, honey” almost on instinct. 

 

Señor Bun, who was left with Jack while Bitty went to school, reminds Jack of what Bitty told him the other day, “I don’t know if I’m flattered that you freak out when you find out some hot stranger is your boyfriend, or offended that you’re always shocked when you find out the hot stranger is me.” He finds comfort in the fact Bitty spoke lightly about his weird memory disorder that is looking more permanent every day. It’s comforting, because it meant Bitty isn’t worn out and tired by this endless cycle. 

 

He isn’t angry at himself nor does he feel guilty about forgetting Eric Bittle as much anymore. In reality, he never really forgot, because he knows Bitty’s voice and his laugh. So no, he doesn’t feel anything under the category of crippling self-deprecating emotions. He feels  _ silly _ that he would ever think Bitty would leave him for something he had no control over. The genuine look of affection and unwavered love is all the tell Jack really needs to recognize him. Or Bitty greeting him with, “Hello, honey” every day, because he did this every day anyway.

 

Jack told all of this to Bitty the next day, who gave him a watery smile.

 

“I look at it this way,” Jack says. “I get to see you for the first time every single day. Then I have the pleasure of realizing the man I'm looking at is Eric Bittle, who is still with me even after everything we’ve been through.”

  
When Bitty cries softly into his sweatshirt sleeve, this time they are happy tears.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW it’s been a WHILE. That’s my bad-- sometimes I do this thing where I write more than I can handle because I get too excited…. Sorry for taking so long!

When Bitty arrives at the hospital for his daily interactions with Jack, Dr. Casey stops him before he can get to Jack’s room. Bitty would have been worried, but Jack’s parents seem perfectly calm so he takes a seat in between them.

 

Alicia places a comforting hand on Bitty’s shoulder as Dr. Casey flips through the pages of his clipboard. “Okay, so I ran some more tests with Jack today. He seems to be healing remarkably well. I reduced his brace size so it's easier for him to move around, and although this seems like a terrible outcome, he is diagnosed with prosopagnosia in full confidence now.”

 

Dr. Casey must sense their distress, so he hurries to continue. “Many people with prosopagnosia live normal and healthy lives. They come up with ways to recognize people that involves memorization of standard features rather than specifics of an individual person..”

 

“So… when he recognized us?” Bob trails off.

 

“He recognized his mother’s eyes and her voice, and the man next to her had to be his father by process of elimination. That's the gist of how he recognizes people.”

 

“Is there a chance he could ever forget what he’s made a mental note of?” Bitty can't help but ask while he can. He wouldn't want to upset Jack with these questions.

 

Dr. Casey frowns, and Bitty has come to realize that whenever the doctor does that, the news isn't exactly positive.

 

“Memory and attention are both inputs to the amygdala, which is the center for emotional processing. Often when we hear the voice of our loved ones, it picks up our heart rate for a reason. As in, we’re excited to see them. If Jack confused his footnotes about you, Eric, you still have your voice and the specific phrase you choose to greet him with.”

 

The room goes a little silent, so the doctor clears his throat to break it. “The brain is still the most complex organ in the body, and there’s still a lot we don’t know about it. The good news is, he’ll be clear to head home tomorrow.”

 

_ At least there’s that _ , Bitty thought. Jack being home and sleeping in his own bed is something he looks forward to each time he sets foot in this hospital. 

 

“Thank you so much, Dr. Casey.” Bob gives him a grateful smile. “For all your help.”

 

“It’s just my job.” Dr. Casey stands up, and the rest follow. All three of them shake his hand before Alicia encourages Bitty to have some alone time with Jack.

 

“Hello, sweetheart.” Bitty doesn’t even realize what he’s said as Jack gives him a quizzical look. His eyes study Bitty with such intensity it doesn’t feel right, not at all. 

 

“Are you the nurse from earlier?” Jack’s voice is small, and he suddenly looks so terrified because Bitty must look crushed. “You reminded me a lot of my boyfriend. He has a similar accent and you addressed me with that too so if you could please not do that. It confuses me--” His words suddenly stop and his terrified look turns into guilt. “Unless you are my boyfriend.”

 

Bitty knows he isn’t special, not like Alicia Zimmermann with a defining feature of bright blue eyes. Or Bob Zimmermann, whom Jack is the spitting image of. If Jack even knows what he  _ himself _ looks like anymore.

 

And it’s in that moment Bitty realizes this is his fault, because he’s not wearing his nametag and he was careless. Jack hasn’t even gone home yet, and Bitty has already fucked up. 

 

Bitty swallows hard before saying in a relatively small voice, “I’m sorry, honey. I am your boyfriend.” 

 

“You said sweetheart.” Jack’s voice is defensive, he’s not exactly angry. “I know you say that too, but you also told me you’d always say ‘honey’ and I didn’t mean to forget you. I know you.” And then Bitty comes to a second realization, which is Jack is trying to justify himself to  _ himself _ , not to anyone else. Which, in a way, is worse than him trying to defend himself to Bitty.

 

“Don’t apologize, Mr. Zimmermann. Don’t you apologize, because it’s not your fault. I know you, and I’m telling you none of this is your fault.” Bitty is always quick to appear at his side, whenever Jack becomes worried like this. 

 

“I’m so  _ stupid _ .” Jack laughs a little, but even though he tries there is no humor in it. “Who else would be here on a Friday at three-thirty in the afternoon? I think… I'm just so tired. I just want to go home.” 

 

That first statement piques Bitty’s interest, because that’s another form of recognition, or some other way to create a pattern. He doesn’t say anything, though. He’ll mention it later.

 

“You’re not stupid, Jack Zimmermann.” Bitty smiles at him while dragging a finger down his arm. Jack was always a tactile person. “In fact, after speaking with the doctor, you are anything but. I wonder, if you never played hockey, if you would have turned out as a rocket scientist or something. Maybe some famous historian that appears in documentaries all the time.”

 

“Don’t go that far, Bits.” Jack’s laugh is genuine this time, and Bitty counts that as a win.

 

There’s still an important matter hanging in the air, so Bitty decides to address it. “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to confuse you. Don’t ever be afraid to ask who I am, okay? My own insecurities are my cross to bear, not yours. I’d be more upset to find you calling someone else your boyfriend.” Bitty attempts to hide his guilt with a smirk, but because this is Jack, it doesn’t work.

 

Jack gives Bitty a pointed look of his own, one marked with pure determination. “It’s not your fault either, Bittle. I know you, and I’m telling you none of this is your fault.” He uses the same words Bitty had just used with him. However, Jack’s words hold a little more weight.

 

“Why don’t we get you ready to head home?” Bitty doesn’t exactly answer him, so he bends down to give Jack a soft kiss on the lips. 

 

Bitty is surprised that Jack is the one to try and deepen it by sliding his tongue along Bitty’s bottom lip. Then the two are making out in a hospital room where anyone could walk in on them. It’s still an instinct for Bitty to constantly look over his shoulder every time he and Jack are together like this. 

 

It’s filled with the usual intensity, which is why it takes all of Bitty’s willpower to pull away. “Not yet, Mr. Zimmermann. We’ve gotta wait for that.” Bitty’s breath comes out uneven as he rests his forehead against Jack’s. 

 

“I missed that. We haven’t kissed since before that stupid fight.” Jack says it as a grunt, because he is also trying to calm himself down. 

 

Bitty smiles against his forehead. “I didn’t even realize. Are you keeping tabs?” 

 

“Well, now I kind of have to.” Jack’s tone, for the first time after acknowledging the fact he’d have to operate different, is not bitter. Just accepting.

 

What had Kent told him? One step forward, two steps back. Either way, it eventually sorts itself out.

 

***

 

When Jack is finally able to leave the hospital, Dr. Casey says Jack will need a temporary walking cane since his balance is out of whack. Fortunately, physical therapy is able to fix that, because balance and coordination are something that can be re-learned. A weakness in muscle is a little more complicated, but Bitty knows Jack’s recovery will be taken one step at a time. 

 

The only thing he’s worried about, which the doctor told him to keep an eye out for, is sudden bursts of anger over something small. They have to wait to do an MRI to see if any other damage to Jack’s frontal lobe is there. Jack hasn’t been hostile yet, so Bitty hopes that potential anger issues aren’t in their future. 

 

“Home sweet home!” Bitty cheers as he opens the door to their apartment. Even though Bitty lives in the Haus during most of the school year, he spends his breaks here with Jack. He hasn’t gone to Georgia since he came out to his parents. 

 

Jack closes the door behind them and lets out a long sigh. “It’s good to be out of there.” 

 

“I agree.” Bitty settles him in on the couch and turns the television on. Jack searches through Netflix before something seems to dawn on him. “How is your job going at that bakery? I know you were excited that it was just down the street. Not that I’m complaining, but you spent every day with me in the hospital. You still have it, right?” Jack’s tone is laced with panic, waiting for the blow of finding out his boyfriend was fired because of him.

 

Bitty purposely avoids facing Jack for that reason, because even if he forgets what Bitty looks like, the man still knows how to read body language. He wasn’t exactly fired, but he knows he won’t get an excited welcome back. “I told them that I had to take a few weeks off. Family emergency. They said if they couldn’t find anyone else in the next two weeks, I still had a job.”

 

“So technically,” Jack’s voice is tight, which is the exactly what Bitty didn’t want. “You were fired.”

 

“I guess, yeah.” Bitty turns to him and finally takes a seat next to him on the couch. “But you know what? I don’t care. If the spot was taken, I’ll find a new job. You are the most important thing going on in my life right now.”

 

Jack’s expression doesn’t change, which falters Bitty’s smile a little. “I’m sorry I took that away from you.” 

 

“Honey, stop it.” Bitty leans over to kiss him on the cheek. Jack doesn’t pull away, which is a good sign. “There are plenty of baking opportunities in this city. Besides, we don’t even know that I lost my job. So stop worrying about it.”

 

“Okay.” Jack looks at him with such sincerity, it almost breaks his heart. “I love you.” 

 

“I love you too, sweetheart.” Bitty pats his cheek before hopping off the couch. “I’ll go make us some lunch.” 

 

Jack also isn’t allowed to leave home, because Dr. Casey told them his vertebrae still needs to heal, and constant movement might land him right back in the hospital with further repercussions. He can’t look at phones or computer screens because they are generally more straining on the eyes, but he can watch television if the brightness is low. He might get tired a lot too, but Dr. Casey said that was normal and won’t last for long. 

 

The only issue is, something Bitty has not brought up to Jack, is that he needs to be under constant care for at least a month. Seizures are still a possibility, or if he’s walking and falls and can’t call anyone for help. Bitty needs to wake him up at 3:30 in the morning every day to make sure he doesn't slip into a coma, and he also needs to help him take baths. It won’t be like this forever, Bitty knows that, but he also knows Jack won’t look at it the same way. Just by Jack’s earlier reaction about his job, Jack won’t be happy at all. 

 

Alicia and Bob offered to help, but Bitty assured them he would take care of Jack. The last thing Jack would want is to keep his parents here in fear he's stressing them out. And Bitty will take care of Jack, even if it affects his school work and even if he loses his job. He would do anything for this boy, and even though that very mindset has caused terrible fights in their past, Bitty will just have to be discreet about his intentions.

 

Later, when Bitty and Jack settled into bed, Bitty set his alarm for 3:30 so he could wake Jack up. However, he did not expect to see Jack already awake, looking up at the ceiling with a blank expression. 

 

It was dark, with only the moonlight illuminating the room. Bitty sat up in bed and stared down at Jack, waiting for an explanation. When Jack didn’t speak, just gave him a look, Bitty knew to let Jack rest his head in his lap. Bitty carted his fingers through Jack’s hair, because he knew Jack found it comforting. 

 

He didn’t speak for a while, just stared at the ceiling before saying in a small voice, “I didn’t go to sleep.”

 

Bitty momentarily pauses, giving Jack a concerned look even though Jack wasn’t looking at him. “Why, baby?”

 

“Because I can't stop thinking about what _ could _ have happened.”

 

“Oh honey, you can't focus on what _ could _ have happened if that man never attacked you--”

 

“No. I mean, what could have happened if I died.” 

 

Bitty takes in a sharp breath, because that thought was too dark for him to dwell on. The last time he even considered it, he threw up on Nursey’s shoes. “Jack, don’t think like that. I’m serious.” 

 

Jack ignores Bitty’s reply as he continues, “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like hockey was more important than you.”

 

Bitty continues dragging his fingers through Jack’s hair, causing Jack’s eyes to slip closed. “Jack--”

 

“Stop. Let me finish.” Jack insists, his eyes opening again as he focuses them on Bitty’s with the same intensity he always has. “That night, when you didn’t call me back after our fight, I realized we always fought about the same thing. I never really thought about why you would sound so hurt and not verbally communicate to me that’s how you felt. It’s because you were protecting me, and I’m sorry that I thought you were always being condescending. Or that you wanted me to change my schedule around when all you were trying to do was spare my feelings.”

 

Bitty softly kisses his forehead, not exactly knowing what to say. He wants to step in but Jack seems to be on a roll.

 

“And Bits, I love you for it, but…” Then he breaks eye contact before taking a shaky breath. “-but I need you to stop doing that. Get mad at me. Throw something at me. I don’t care. Just don’t pretend like you’re okay.”

 

“I won’t throw anything at you.” Bitty laughs a little, sliding down the bed and carefully placing Jack’s head back on his pillow. “In all seriousness, I will try. I promise.” 

 

“That’s all I can ask of you.” Jack mumbles before finally drifting off to sleep.

 

***

“It’s been forever since we spent the whole day together.” Bitty observes while they tangle their legs together on the couch. He let Jack put on a WWII documentary because of the circumstances. Usually when they did this, Bitty would get bored and suggest they do other things, and Jack would ask what, and Bitty would slide down on his knees and settle himself between Jack’s thighs. 

 

They can’t exactly do that for a while, so Bitty makes a sacrifice and enjoys the company of Jack Zimmermann. He almost forgot how it felt to just be with him, without any further obligations to anything. 

 

“Hey, Bits,” Jack’s voice sounds a bit edgy, which means he just realized something that will stress him out. “Don’t you have class and practice today?”

 

Bitty swallows for the few nanoseconds it provides for him to stall. “I only had French today, honey. My friend Stanley is going to send me his notes. As for hockey, everyone understands. This is the first day I’ve missed since I started visiting you at the hospital.” 

 

There’s a long pause before Jack says, “I need twenty-four seven supervision, Bits. I didn’t even think about how this could affect you.”

 

His tone suggests he’s mad at himself, and Bitty mentally braces himself for a fight. Bitty knew he would have to deal with some disagreements with Jack before they can simply relax together. There are some decisions that have been unresolved, and it was only a matter of time before Jack acknowledged them. 

 

“It’s my choice, honey.” Bitty has to be patient with him, he knows that. Which means he might have to break the promise he made last night, just a little. “Once you can be left alone I’ll get right back into the swing of things.”

 

“What about your position as captain?” Jack must be ready to have a serious conversation, because he grabs the remote and turns off the television. “You can’t leave for a month. You’ll lose the C.” 

 

Jack seems more distressed about this fact than Bitty is. It’s not like Bitty doesn’t care about his other responsibilities, he just cares about Jack more. 

 

“That’s okay--” 

 

“I need you to stop doing that. I want you to go back to school, I want you to go get your job back, and I need you to stop giving up everything for me and my hockey career. I was serious about what I said last night.” 

 

Bitty sighs, and further breaks his promise when he hides his frustration with an understanding smile. “I’m not giving up anything for your hockey career--” 

 

“I got hurt because of my job.” Jack fires back. “I will keep getting hurt, and you will have to pick up the pieces every time.”

 

“Jack.” Bitty’s tone comes out more sharp than he intended it to. That’s what Jack wanted, wasn’t it? He said so last night. “I feel like you’re the only one that can’t separate yourself from the sport. I don’t want to fight with you. You need to let me make my own decisions. I don’t understand why you’re acting like this--” 

 

Then out of nowhere, like a switch suddenly flipped, Jack chokes out in a small sob, “I’m ruining your life.” 

 

It throws Bitty so off guard, it takes a moment for him to process what Jack just said. Then he asks, quite incredulously, “Is that what you think?”

 

“I know you don’t think I am,” Jack says slowly, his sudden mood change seeming to catch up with him. “But one day, you’ll wake up and realize--”

 

“I’m going to stop you right there.” Bitty sounds angry, but in truth he’s simply confused and mostly frustrated. “I want you to put yourself in my position for a moment.” 

 

Jack doesn’t say anything or look at him, so Bitty just takes that as a sign to continue. “If this were me, would you feel like I’m ruining your life? Would you enjoy taking care of me, because it really fucking scared you when I didn’t even get  _ up?  _ I puked on poor Nursey.” He adds the last bit with a small laugh to try and at least attempt to lighten the mood.

 

Jack blinks a little, then lets out a small, “Oh.” 

 

“Oh.” Bitty imitates, a small smirk on his face. He snuggles closer to his side, because Jack pulled away earlier when this bantering began. 

 

“I still want you to go to school.” Jack insists, but not as desperate. “I still want you to be captain. Can you put yourself in my place, too?” 

 

Bitty feels like saying,  _ “oh”  _ himself. He probably would feel pretty shitty if Jack up and left his hockey career just to stay home and take care of Bitty. It’s a fucked up situation. 

 

“How about a compromise.” Jack says to break the silence that settled between them. “Do you remember Thomas Blake, the forward of the Providence Falconers AHL league?”

 

“Oh yeah,” Bitty smiles, remembering the twenty-two year old with brown curly hair. He was extremely shy and reminded Bitty a lot of Jack. “We had him over for dinner a few months ago. He lives in this apartment building, right?” 

 

“Yeah. He’s out for the season with a broken orbital bone. He’s okay,” Jack adds quickly, noticing the look of worry on Bitty’s face. “He just can’t play. Maybe he could stay here when you can’t.” 

 

Bitty thinks about it, because that’s not too bad of an idea. When Thomas Blake was invited over, Bitty could tell how much the boy looked up to Jack. He would probably be glad to help. “Okay.” 

 

Jack seems surprised that Bitty actually agreed. “Really?”

 

“Yes.” Bitty smiles and stretches himself up to kiss Jack on the cheek. “I’ll bake him a pie and visit him in two days when Shitty and Lardo are over.” 

 

***

 

Thomas Blake was very surprised to see Bitty at his front door, holding a blueberry pie because Jack said it was his favorite. His eye was puffy and surrounded by an ugly green-yellow color, and it broke Bitty’s heart a little. He should have sent over a pie as soon as he heard about Thomas’s injury. The boy looked all alone.

 

“Oh...Hi Eric.” Blake’s shy smile quirked up his lips a little. “How is Jack doing?”

 

“Better.” Bitty answers honestly. “That’s actually why I came to see you.”

 

Thomas’s eyes widened in surprise as he quickly steps away from the entrance to leave space for Bitty to enter. “Come in.” He says with a certain urgency. “Is there anything I can do? Do you uh, want some water or like gatorade or something?”

 

Bitty gives him a light but amused smile. “Did you just offer me gatorade?” 

 

This relaxed Thomas’s stiff posture a little as he lets out a laugh himself. “I guess I did.” 

 

Thomas leads Bitty to his kitchen so he could place the pie down. Bitty felt slightly awkward standing in Thomas’s apartment, mainly because whenever he was here it was always with Jack. “Yeah, so uh, Jack is doing better but he needs twenty-four hour surveillance. He’s under house arrest.” Bitty laughs a little, even though it’s not funny and Blake isn’t amused. “I was wondering- well,  _ we _ were wondering if you could possibly watch over Jack when I’m not home? I still have school and the team back at Samwell, and you know Jack, he doesn’t want me to throw away my senior year.” 

 

Bitty said it in such a rush, he’s surprised Thomas understood all of it. “It’s not problem. I’m kind of on house arrest too, so at least it won’t be as lonely.” 

 

Bitty feels even more guilty for not asking about Thomas, but he feels a little better in knowing Jack  _ did _ check on the guy. “Oh thank the lord, you are my savior.” Bitty adds for good measure. 

 

The tiniest blush appears on Thomas’s face, so small Bitty almost didn’t notice it. “It’s really no problem. I promise. I’ll stop by tomorrow?” 

 

“Yeah, just text Jack.” Bitty waves him off. “He’ll want to tell you about his condition himself, so this might seem like a weird request, but could you wear a nametag when you come over tomorrow?” 

 

Only a moment of silence goes by before, “Okay, cool. That’s not the weirdest thing that’s been requested of me, believe it or not.” Thomas actually gives Bitty a large smile this time, so he counts that as a win. “And thanks for the pie, Bittle. They are always the best.” 

 

When Bitty gets back to their apartment, Shitty and Lardo are still holding up various photos of the SMH team. 

 

“Tango has this scar on his chin. He got it last year when someone stabbed him with a hockey stick.” Lardo explains, pointing to the photo on a piece of paper. “And he always asks a ton of questions. So chances are, if he’s got a scar and the first greeting out of his mouth is a question, it’s Tango.” 

 

Jack laughs at this and Bitty can’t help but bask in the sound of it. He hasn’t heard that laugh in a long time, and for a short time he never thought he’d hear it again.

 

“Hi, Honey.” Bitty says as a way to announce his presence. He walks over to where Jack is settled on the couch and Shitty and Lardo are on the floor with pictures strewn all over the place. He sits on the arm of the couch and swings his legs onto the cushions so Jack could settle in between his legs. “Making any progress?” 

 

“Yeah.” Jack’s whole face lights up as he says this. “I think… I think everything is going to be okay.”

 

“That’s the attitude!” Shitty cheers loudly. “Now, who is this guy?” He holds up a picture of Bitty, one from sophomore year when he first got his hair cut and sent it to the groupchat. 

 

Jack takes an awful long time, so much so Bitty’s stomach starts to drop. “I don’t know, he’s hot though.”

 

It takes Shitty and Lardo a little bit longer than Bitty to realize Jack is just kidding. He lightly pinches his shoulder. “Very funny, brace boy.” 

 

“Bits,” Jack says without turning around to face him. “Your brown eyes are what give you away every time. They would make me feel weak in the knees if that wasn’t already a problem with the brain injury and all.”

 

Bitty’s laugh is a little breathless and he can’t help but plant a kiss on top of Jack’s head. “You _charmer.”_

**Author's Note:**

> If you want a better idea about Jack's condition, here's a cool video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn1xr3y68E0


End file.
